Why I am posting this blog - Reason #1

I asked myself this question, and at first, I was assuming it was for completely unselfish reasons. Not True... There are 2 reasons that I'm creating this blog/record of my recovery.

The first reason admittedly, is for myself. I've learned from many people, and through experience, that simply admitting and accepting something is the first step to recovery. Yep, just as in AA, the first step is admitting there is a problem. So here it is. I have a problem. I have a problem that effects a great deal of my life in a negative way. This problem causes me difficulty in building and maintaining relationships. I find myself uncomfortable in many social and interpersonal situations, and in making decisions about life. This problem has everything to do with my own self-image. I feel that I'm not good enough, like there is something wrong with me that makes me unable to say or express what I really feel or want to say. What seems so easy for many others, is difficult for me, and sometimes completely impossible. This comes from the shame inside of me.

Shame
The shame began for me at age 7 or so, when the really bad abuse started in my life. I was abused verbally, physically, and emotionally by both of my parents. And the result of the abuse at that time, even though I wasn't consious of it, was to leave me with a sense that I was bad. I think that the most damaging abuse that I encountered was the random abuse. Not based on any serious bad behavior on my (or my siblings) part. It was a rage that was inside my father, that he chose (consiously or unconsiously) to disippate by blaming and beating a child. The random and unjust nature of the beatings left me with an uncounsious feeling that I deserved it simply because I existed. Not because of what I had done, but because I existed. Hence the shame, the reinforced message that I was bad.

Rage
Then there is the childhood rage. I have little or no memory of the rage that I must have felt then... was it blocked, because there was no outlet for this rage? The sub-consious rage at the injustice of being randomly beaten. I must have known subconciously that I didn't deserve these beatings, but I had no awareness or skills or resources to deal with the rage of the injustice, so it turned inward. Combine this rage with shame, and you have a recipe for self-destruction. Once this shame and rage is established, it perpetuates and reinforces itself in self destructive behaviors. How did this manifest for me? From what I remember, it manifested in aversion to and withdraw from social situations, (eg: shyness). This left me more isolated, and with that, the feeling that I was not accepted. I couldn't see that my BEHAVIOR... not talking much or being open and honest (eg:not CONNECTING) with many other kids is what caused my isolation, and feelings of not being accepted. Repeat for years and years with the same, now reinforced outcome.

I was a shy kid, with a couple of really good friends, but the friendships were not deep, and were sometimes hurtful to me, because I was ashamed of my dysfunctional family. and some close friends would tease or ridicule me for that sometimes obvious dysfunction. And what did I do about the teasing? Nothing, because I believed it was deserved, and was about ME, not about the situation.

But I was lucky... lucky to have a few good, unconditionally loving people around me. If not for those people, who knows where my life (and those of my siblings) would have gone.

And I was blessed by God with a brain, and a smart one at that. One that allowed me to cling to some semblance of self worth that got me into an outwardly successful adulthood, where I would find the tools, support, people, self-awareness, and resources to understand that I AM good, and that my shame is a part of who I am, not WHO I am.

More next week!