Depression and the negative patterns of thinking

I want my blog to take a turn a bit here. I want it to be more about the present, and less about the past. I feel like I've dwelt on the past plenty, and moving forward to today will be a healthy step for me. To that end....

One of the effects of an abusive childhood, I've learned, is that I'm more prone to bouts of depression. Depression that is fueled by patterns of negative thinking. I still haven't figured out why, but it seems that old memories and hurts seem to trigger a negative thought pattern, when new stressful events happen upon us is everyday life.

Like this past two weeks for me. It has been a rough two weeks for me. First, My girlfriend and I ended a 6 month relationship, and then, there were layoffs at my workplace and I came the closest to being laid off that I have ever been. My boss and a co-worker were let go, and myself and two other co-corkers were transfered into different departments. A very dramatic change in life, and I see that I do NOT like change.

So in the last two weeks or so, my life has changed dramatically, and I won't give myself permission to feel lousy about that. My perfectionism is driving me to try to feel fine about all of this. Well, I don't feel fine. I feel lousy and depressed. And I feel over-whelmed by everything... Like I just wanna stay in bed and avoid everything. And the depression is deepened by the idealistic belief that, even in times of turmoil and trouble, I have to keep it all together... That I can't fall apart. Bah... So, I'm depressed about being depressed!!!
And, I've recently reduced the anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication I've been on for the last 6 months... so that doesn't help either.

A lesson to be learned here? That I will do my best to give this to God. I surrender to it. Just like when I have the flu, or a cold... Do I beat myself up for having a cold or the flu, and tell myself that I shouldn't have a cold or the flu, and that I should just get over it? Heck no... I go slow, and take it easy, and know that I'm not as capable as I normally am... I lower my expectations of myself. That's what I need to realize in times of depression... that it is an illness, just like a cold or flu, and my body and soul need recovery time. That I need to dramatically lower my expectations of myself. Give myself a break.. I am not feeling well, no matter what the cause. And wishing it away does not work.

- Steve