My First Post

Well, I guess I had better introduce myself first. My name is Steve, and I'm a survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse. I've only recently switched my mindset from being one of victim, to one of survivor. The reason for the switch?

I don't honestly know, except to say that I decided to be a survivor, instead of a victim... simple as that.

What started me on my journey of recovery? I know some key events, but what started me originially, was a realization that not everyone had the kind of childhood that I had, and that some of the things that happened to me in my childhood were not normal, and were damaging. This happened in my late teens, but I had no idea what the impact of the abuse and trauma was, or what to do about it. All I knew, was that it was wrong.

The first major event on my recovery, was the birth of my own children. I saw them come into this world, and I knew there was no way I wanted them to endure what I had endured. But still, I had NO idea how to be a parent, as the parenting behavior modeled to me was wrong and I knew it. So I did my best to emulate good parenting that I had seen in friends parents, and (gulp) what I had seen on TV. What a rotten way to have to learn to parent, but I did my best. And tried to be the father I always wanted.

The second major event in my recovery, was my divorce at age 35. That changed my life, and eventually led to me stopping the blaming of others for my mis-fortunes, and taking responsibility for my behavior. And then the search to know myself, and at what caused my behavior was an eye opener. I've spent almost 1 1/2 years in therapy, partially to deal with the loss of my marriage, and understanding that, and partially to start the understanding process of what the effect my childhood abuse had.

The third major event, was my recent spiritually re-awakening. This has been only recently, but it brings back GOOD memories of childhood. Things that I had forgotten.. .feelings I had forgotten. My faith has enabled me to open doors from the past that were far too frightening to open, and to finally admit to the world that I was abused as a child.... this finally allowed me to begin breaking free of the shame, the hiding... that hiding that allows the abuse to remain alive in my heart and in my head.

There's soo much more to write, but as I've learned, it only comes out & happens in God's time, so I hope this blog will be another step.

- Steve